Out of control
by isgodanevildwarf
Summary: What's wrong with me? Santana feels lonely and frustrated.. She doesn't know what to do.. Set after "Furt".. Santana's POV. Brittana and some PezBerry friendship. I suck at this, just go inside and read.
1. What's wrong with me?

**Disclaimer:** If I owned glee I wouldn't be writing this here.

**Title:** Out of control

**Rating:** T (For now)

**Spoilers:** Season 2. It happens after the whole Furt episode, but there's no much reference to it.

**Summary:** What's wrong with me? Santana feels lonely and frustrated.. She doesn't know what to do.. Set after "Furt".. Brittana and some PezBerry friendship. I suck at this, just go inside and read.

Enjoy! Thanks for reading!

* * *

**What's wrong with me?**

"_Why didn't you tell me we were having a Glee girls meeting?" I ask Rachel, well more like I snap at Rachel, but come on. I may not be friends with them outside Glee, but we're supposed to be like a team or whatever they can't do this kind of stuff. _

_"This is a Glee girls meeting for those with boyfriends. We're going to make them stop bullying Kurt." Rachel replied. I glance over at the other girls, Tina looks away, she's afraid of me. Quinn raises her eyebrow and shuts me down with her eyes. Not that they're important so whatever. But Brittany, she just gave an apologetic look and shrugged. Brittany. She was not supposed to do that. She was my Brittany. No, not mine, I ruined that myself, now she's with Artie. Way to go Lopez, way to go. "Okay, I'm dating Puckerman" I say quickly. Don't let them know you're confused; don't show them this affects you. _

_"You're getting naked with Puckerman…" Thank you Quinn, that was just the reminder I needed, and in front of half the glee club, thank you. I glance at Brittany, she looks away. _

_"Okay. So now if you will excuse us." I don't hate her anymore, I even think of her as, I don't know something like a part time friend with restrictions, but this kind of comments make me want to punch her, Aren't you supposed to be the nice girl that helps people out Berry? God! I hate you right now._

_"You're so on my list, dwarf." I say, crossing my arms and glaring at them, I try to soften my eyes before they reach Brittany, but she's not looking at me, she rarely does now… before I storm out of the room. I'm not going to stay where I'm obviously not welcome._

* * *

The wedding was over hours ago. And there I was, on my bed staring at the ceiling, tossing the smiley squeeze ball Mr. Sue gave me once, implying I had anger issues, I had not. Why couldn't I keep these thoughts away? That glee girls meeting… Come on Berry, maybe Puck wasn't my boyfriend properly but if it was about standing up for Kurt I'm more of a badass than all of your stupid boys combined. That wasn't a reason to left me out, you guys just didn't want me there. But… Why? I'm not that much of a bitch… am I?

Sure, Quinn and I have our issues, but that's a whole different thing. We'll come around; we know that, we're both the top girls at school. But everyone else.. what happens? I just tried to kill Rachel once, but it wasn't because I hated her or because I was being bitchy, it was just that she went crazy with power. Someone had to pull her back to reality. I've behaved really well lately, but of course no one notice. Make something good and no one notices, make a mistake and fingers will be pointed at you.

I've tried, I've tried to make amends, I've been sort of nice, well as nice as I could be, with everyone, I don't know why they treat me like this. Okay, I know, I've always bullied everyone. But people can change right? A lot of people believes it, I believe it, why can't them? Fuck'em all. Well, not all of them. Not Brittany for sure. Not my Brittany.

She was top on my mind. It had been too long since we had a real conversation, not even talk about hanging out together. Mostly because she avoided spending more than 5 minutes alone with me since I freaked out at her about singing Melissa Etheridge. I know I was harsh, but she knows I'm like that -_not with her_- she was, and still is, overreacting. But even if she is or not, I miss her, I miss her like crazy, I didn't mean this to happen. She's my Brittany, I'm hers. I hate being apart from her, it's like a part of me was missing. It's killing me. It kills me being without her. It kills me seeing her with Artie. What can he give her than I can't? –_Admitting that you have a relationship, not fooling around with someone else, shown her you love her outside a fucking room because you're not ashamed of your feelings, and stop counting…_- I mean he's like a zero, Brittany is too much for him –_or for me_- I hate it. –_I hate the fact that she's not with me, even if it is my fault_- I need her. But I stepped so hard in it, that I have no idea how to fix it.

I hate me, why do I have to pull everyone away? Why do I have to shut people down every time? It doesn't matter what people thinks, they don't know the real me, they have no idea what I'm feeling. I don't like being alone. Fuck'em, Fuck'em all.

I grab three of my pillows and put them over my face and let out a scream, no that the pillows cover it much, thank god my parents weren't home. I toss a pillow angrily at the wall. This is so frustrating. I glance at my cell phone. Someone's calling. Who the hell calls at 4 am? -_Manhands_- what the hell does she wants?

"This better be important or you'll have a slushie facial Monday morning treasure trail" Why can't I be nice? I'm trying so hard! I swear I have an undiagnosed mental illness…

"I'm sorry to bother you Santana, I realize is very late, or early, as you prefer, but you merely got home an hour ago at must, and I figured you were awake…" She rambles all the time?

"To the point Berry" I cut her off.

"I just wanted to know if you were ok?" …

"You call me at 4 in the morning to see if I'm okay? What are you on manhands? For real…"

"Just answer the question, Santana" And still, she gets demanding.

"I'm ok, thank you for asking? Whatever, now let me sleep" Why can't I tell her the truth? What's my problem?

"Wait!..." If you insist I may crack Berry, so please don't do it. Or please do it? I don't even know anymore… Too many feelings are messing with my mind.

"What now?" I ask with an annoyed tone...

"I wanted to say I'm sorry… because of the meeting, with or without a boyfriend, you're my fellow glee clubber, we are a team, I shouldn't have left you out or talked to you the way I did, for that, I apologize" Maybe she is a psychic… and now I picture a tiny version of the little dwarf running free inside my mind, really bizarre image.

"Don't worry about it Rachel, it happened already" Did I just call her Rachel?

"Did you just call me Rachel?" For real, she's scaring me.

"Whatever man hands, are you going to let me sleep anytime soon?" I ask ignoring the fact that I actually called her Rachel, this loneliness thing mixed with that torment of emotions are fucking me up.

"I know that you're not okay Santana, I just want you to know that you're not alone, if you want to talk, I'm here for you, more than as a fellow glee clubber, as a friend, good night, or good morning, as you prefer…" Like if I would talk to her about how I really feel…

"Rachel, wait…" Yes, I lost control over myself. It's official. "Just.. Don't hang up man hands" Why do I sound so… defeated?"

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Should I continue? Let me know!

**A/N**: Sorry about my grammar, I'm not very good at english people... lol. Thanks for reading!


	2. Collateral Damage

**Disclaimer:** If I owned glee I wouldn't be writing this here.

**Title:** Out of control

**Rating:** T (For now)

**Spoilers:** Season 2. It happens after the whole Furt episode, but there's no much reference to it.

**Summary:** What's wrong with me? Santana feels lonely and frustrated.. She doesn't know what to do.. Set after "Furt".. Brittana and some PezBerry friendship. I suck at this, just go inside and read.

Thanks to everyone for the reviews! They mean so much to me!

**Special Thanks: **To the amazing **Liontiger **that took a little of her time to act as a beta reader for the story! She did a wonderful job! Thank you liontiger!

This Chapter centers a little in the development of Santana and Rachel's 'friendship', something needed to continue with the story properly. I hope you like it.

Now, Enjoy! Thanks for reading!

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**Chapter 2: Collateral Damage**

_"Words can't describe you… You're everything... And I will love you 'til the day I die" Said Mr. Hummel. Why does this hurt so much? Just suck it up. Stay strong, Santana –Don't show them your weakness. Don't show her you're hurt- I could feel her eyes in the back of my neck. –Keep yourself together, Santana. Don't look at her-_

"Rachel, wait…" Yes, I lost control over myself. It's official. "Just… Don't hang up man hands." Why do I sound so… defeated? "I… I don't know… I… I'm lost okay?" It doesn't make sense, but it's the truth.

"I've seen you've been acting different lately. Maybe I don't know what's happening to you, but I see you're hurting. I've been there. Let me help you find your way again." I feel the honesty in her voice. She's being sincere. How can she be this nice after all these years of bullying her? –_I don't deserve it_-

"I don't think you've been there, Berry." -_Not in this particular mess-_ "But… thank you for... _caring_… But I'm not going to bother you with something stupid. I'm just moody, I think. It's nothing." When did I start to suck at lying? "Just, let it go." –_Please_-

"You asked me to stay Santana, I'm not leaving." So freaking stubborn. "And you can't say it's nothing. You just said that I couldn't have been there, so there must be something. Something is not nothing. I'm a phenomenal listener, you know? It's one of my many abilities." She's so in love with herself… Oh Berry…

"I'm not talking about it, Man hands…" I was serious.

"Ha! So there's an it!"

"You are not giving up, right Berry?" I say with a smile. I realize I hadn't really smiled for a long time.

"The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come," she recited. She was a freaky, freaky girl. "A quote that has become a mantra of my own. So no, Santana. I'm not giving up." How did I get into this again? "I'm not going to force you to talk about it, but I surely can distract you. We'll talk about something else. I'll keep you company over the phone until I make sure you feel better. We have to start at some point." She's so cheerful. I sigh. This was going to be a long night.

We talked non-stop for hours about everything and nothing. Who would have thought Berry could be this cool? I actually enjoyed talking with her. It distracted me from my thoughts. We kind of bonded, under weird circumstances, but we did. Not that I'll ever admit it, of course.

Berry is nice, in a real kind of way… And I thank her for not making me talk about everything else. I thank her for just being there. Actually, those were my exact words just before I felt asleep. Sorry for not saying goodbye, Man hands, but I was dead. I don't think she noticed though; she was as sleepy as I was.

My world is upside down, but at least, for a moment, it doesn't suck so bad.

* * *

This annoying noise is disturbing my sleep. Stop it! I hate when something interrupts my sleep. Go away! The noise must obey my commands. I'm Santana Lopez…. Fuck, it's still there. Stop it now, or else! That noise clearly doesn't know who am I.

"Mmmhghmm.. go away..mghmm" I babble, half asleep, as I cover my head with the sheets.

"Santana, it's four in the afternoon." -_What. The. Fuck?. Tell me this is not who I think it is_- "Your parents let me in. They got home a while ago." -_No. Fucking. Way.-_

"Man hands?" I turn around and cover myself with the sheets. Which is kind of stupid, but I had the urge to do it; I felt violated. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I shout angrily.

"Stop it with the name-calling. My hands are not manly. And I'm here because earlier this morning we agreed on getting together and talk." -_Don't ever trust what a sleepy person says Berry. They don't make sense half the time-_

"How did you know where I lived?"

"We've been living on the same street for several years now. My house is two houses away from Noah's house." I start to say something, but I'm just babbling incoherently. I sigh. How the fuck did I get here?

"Just find something to do while I get ready," I say harshly. Not just because of the fact that Berry is in my bed a Sunday morning, but mainly because I get moody if my sleep is disturbed. And by moody I mean cranky, and by cranky I mean bitchy. And by bitchy well… for some reason, people call me Satan.

"Perfect! I'll keep talking with your parents. They're so pleasant. I'll be downstairs when you need me." She smiles and gets out of the room. And now Rachel Berry invites herself over and chats with my parents. When did this happen?

* * *

Two hours later. We are in my car. My driving is kind of rough. Well, actually, really rough. She's scared. She was practically holding herself onto any possible part of the car she could get her hands on.

"Santana you should calm down. Please slow down."

"I can't believe it!"

"It's not that big of a deal. I think you're overreacting."

"How can you say that? Are you insane Berry?" I say without taking my eyes of the road. "How come you've never been to Breadstix?"

"Well, I wanted to try it, but it was more important for me that Sam felt included in glee club." What?

"What?" What the hell is she talking about. I assure you. Berry is crazy.

"Never mind. The thing is, I don't see what the big deal is with Breadstix." If eyes could kill, Berry would be dust by now.

"Shut up, Man hands. You know nothing," I say. We were there. God I'm fast. "Move it. You're about to have the greatest experience of your life."

"You know that if we get in there, people are going to see you with me?" She asks, frankly worried. Yes, I know my social status is very important to me, but come on. She doesn't have to be like this. Does she think I am that shallow? –_I surely act as if I am_-

"No one messes with me Berry, so shut the fuck up and come." And again, I talk like a cold hearted bitch. She seems nervous about it. "I promise you'll like it," I say, trying to make a convincing smile. I fail. But she gets the idea.

Oh God. I love Breadstix, it makes me forget about everything. Little damn bread sticks, I'm sure they put some kind of drug in you. Plus, spending the afternoon with Man hands was not half bad. I like it.

"You were so right, Santana. It's amazing. Their salads accommodate my vegan lifestyle perfectly, and they're so delicious. I can't believe I'd never been here. Thank you!" she says dreamily.

"That's right, girl. I know best," I say cockily. "And you still haven't tried their…" The words get lost in my throat. I freeze as I see Brittany entering with Artie. She was smiling at him as they waited for a table. But what caused me to freeze was the fact that that smile was different. It wasn't the smile Brittany gave the guys she fooled around with for fun or just because she was bored. It was the smile Brittany gave when she actually cared, when she was actually enjoying the moment, when she was genuinely happy. –_You're losing the battle Lopez, and you have no one to blame but yourself_-

"Santana, are you all right? What's wrong?"

"I need to get out of here," I say, looking away from them. Rachel looks confused, and glances at the spot I was staring at. She opens her mouth and then closes it, coming to a realization. Without asking anything, we both leave the money on the table, and she follows me to the car. I don't look back to see if Brittany saw me, but I don't really want to know.

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Thank you for reading!

Brittany will finally appear in next chapter xD!


	3. Messed Up Feelings

**Disclaimer**: If I owned glee I wouldn't be writing this here.

**Title:** Out of control

**Rating**: T (For now)

**Spoilers**: Season 2. It happens after the whole Furt episode, but there's no much reference to it.

**Summary**: What's wrong with me? Santana feels lonely and frustrated.. She doesn't know what to do.. Set after "Furt".. Brittana and some PezBerry friendship. I suck at this, just go inside and read.

Thanks to everyone for the reviews! They mean a lot to me!

**Special Thanks**: To the wonderful Liontiger that still takes a little of her time fixing my many mistakes. She's fabulous. Thank you so much liontiger! *-*!

I hope you like this chapter. Thanks for reading!

* * *

**Chapter 3: Messed Up Feelings**

_''I made him a card that said 'heart attacks are just from loving too much.'' I looked at her and smiled. How could she be so innocent, so beautiful, so sweet, so… her? I loved her. I loved everything about her. She was right about what she said on that card, because my heart stopped just by thinking about her._

_

* * *

_

I looked at the clock. I had three more minutes before the alarm sounded. I shut my eyes and rolled over on my bed, something I had mastered during the night. There was no use in it. I couldn't sleep. I grabbed my phone to find, again, the reason for tonight's insomnia. A fucking text message. _Brittany's_ text message.

-I miss you-

Last night, when I arrived home just after dropping Berry at her house I got this in my inbox. The only thing I could ask myself was: Is she insane? –_Maybe I'm insane_- Maybe I'm making a big deal out of it, but you just can't tell people you miss them after treating them the way she's been treating me. _–What about how you treated her?- _ Not after she ignored me, or rather, refused to acknowledge the fact that there was ever a 'we'! –_I was the one who always refused to acknowledge it_- She can't act like nothing happened and then throw that on me. How am I suppose to answer? I don't know what to say. It's the first time in weeks that she's spoken to me, not out of courtesy, but because she wanted to. What am I supposed to do? I can't think straight… Just three words from her are all it takes to take away the sanity in me. –_How do you do it? How can you drive me this crazy?-_. She's not ashamed of saying what she truly feels. Because it's Brittany, and that's the way she is. And I love her for that.

Hours later, I still didn't know what to say. The truth is, I'm not angry. I don't understand her reasons for sending me this; she probably doesn't understand them either. But she said it because she felt it. That's how Brittany is. And even if it sucks to admit it, I don't know what to say because I'm scared. I'm just so afraid of ruining it by answering with something stupid, or worse, something that I may regret later. –_Because I'm a coward, and I can't say what I really feel_- But I couldn't hide in the safety of my room forever. In less than two hours, we would be at Mckinley's and I couldn't run away from her. And I knew, after this, she was going to stop running away from me. That scared the crap out of me.

* * *

"I've been missing those sexts of yours, babe." Before I could do anything about it, he was hugging me from behind and kissing my neck. I shoved him away, annoyed.

"Not in the mood, Puckerman," I said, closing my locker. I started walking down the hall, and he quickly picked up the pace.

"You're never in the mood lately," he snapped. "I'm a man, baby. I have needs".

"Just go do someone else, Puck. I don't have time for this. Not now, not ever again." If I was going to change, I had to start with this.

"Are you dumping me?" he said, stunned. _–Yes Puck, I've already done it before. You shouldn't be so surprised- _Before I could say anything, Berry appeared. I like her and all, but right now I didn't want to talk to anyone. Can't I go to my class in peace?

"Noah, Santana, am I interrupting something?" She said smiling. Puck snorted and went away.

"Always showing up at the right moments, Man hands." I smiled and walked with her. "Where's Finnocence?"

"The football team had an urgent meeting with Coach Beiste," she answered rapidly. She looked around to make sure no one was close enough to listen to us and looked at me with a serious face before whispering, "So Santana, I didn't say anything yesterday because I know you were upset, but now that we are admitted friends we should discuss the matter of your blind, undisputed and secret love for Artie!" _What?_ "It didn't take me too long to unravel the mystery behind it. Now it all makes sense: your strange behavior lately, you being upset yesterday, your distance with Brittany since she and Artie became an item, your attempt of making Artie jealous by dating Noah, who was for a short time his some kind of role model. It all fits! I must say that you being in love with Artie was something I never imagined. And I understand you now. The thought of your best friend in a relationship with the man you secretly love, it's heartbreaking. I literally live for those dramas." I remained quiet for a moment, kind of shocked, and then I couldn't help but burst out in laughter. I kept laughing for a couple of minutes, before realizing she was giving me an irritated look. _–Come on! Really Berry? Have we been going to the same school? You can't be that naive- _

"Berry, you got all the facts right, but the wrong answer. Thanks for the laugh, I've got to head to class," I said, smirking. "See you at Glee Club." I kept walking. How could she get that idea? That senseless idea. She put her hand on my shoulder to stop me. _–I don't want to talk Berry, is that so hard to understand?- _I turned around to tell her we would talk later. It wasn't Rachel. It was Brittany.

* * *

"I miss you S." It was as if someone had sucked the air right out of my lungs. All I could do was stand there like an idiot and stare at her. The same fear I had last night crept up on me, but only this time it came harder. I couldn't talk. "You didn't answer me last night." She was pouting. -_I love it when she pouts-. _She moved her feet, getting a little closer to me. I looked up at her face, into her eyes. -_Those sparkling deep blue eyes I loved-_. I swear I died for a second. "And I know I deserve it, because I've been mean to you." _–You haven't been mean, I am the one that was bitch- _"But please forgive me because…" I wasn't going to let her go through with that. After all it wasn't her fault it was mine. All of this. I had to be the bigger person for once, for one time. I had to show her that I care, that it's not always up to her.

"Shh…Stop talking" I reached for her hand and held it. "I'm the one who should say I'm sorry here. I really am…As much as it hurt me that we were apart, it made me realize how much I can't be without you. How much I miss you." She's the only person that has seen this side of me. And still…Why can't I tell her that I'm sorry for panicking about the duet? Why can't I tell her that it hurt me that she was with Artie officially and didn't tell me? –_Why can't I tell her that I'm jealous, Why can't I tell her that she's been the only thing on my mind? Why can't I tell her that every time she's with him I die a little more inside?- _

_-Why can't I tell her that I love her?- _

"Would you forgive me?" I said, offering her my pinky. She smiled. _–I loved her smile-_ and laced her pinky with mine.

"Always" _–How many times have you forgive me Britt?- _I wrapped my arms around her as tight as I could. It had been so long since I'd hugged her. _–Since she'd let me hug her-_ I didn't wanted it to end. We were both lost in the hug. "Lets hang out after school, S. We have so much to talk about, but please not in my house. My cat could sabotage our making up. I know he's jealous that I've missed you this much. He read about it in my diary." I chuckle and nod without breaking the hug. There was nothing I wanted more than to spend time with her. Wherever. I didn't mind her crazy cat trying to kill me. –_I love you so much Brittany-_

We heard someone clearing their throat. She pushed me away slightly. Artie was there. We separated completely. I cursed on the inside. Of course he had to be the one breaking this particular moment. –_Calm down, is not his fault either. It's yours. Just watch your words. You don't want to mess it up again with her-._

"Abrams," I said coldly. Brittany glanced at me and my face softened. –_Just be good for her- _

"Hey Santana," He said smiling. He turned to Brittany with a loving look on his face. I wanted to choke him. "Hey beautiful, want a ride to your class?" So charming, I'm going to puke.. Give me a break. She smiled at him and gave him a quick peck on the lips. –_Kill me. Kill me now.- _She gave me another hug and sat on his lap. Before they left, Artie turned at me. I tried my best not to kill him with my eyes.

"I'm glad you made up. She was really sad yesterday. We spotted you and Rachel at Breadstix. I told her you didn't say hi because you didn't see us." _Was Brittany blushing? _"See baby, nothing to worry about. Santana doesn't hate you. She just didn't look around, right?" he says, waiting for me to agree with him. _–So you saw me- _I thought, smirking. I nodded quickly, without taking my eyes away from her.

But my happiness faded away as fast as it came. Yes, she saw me, she missed me, and we had made up. But still, there I was standing alone in the hall, watching her go… with him.

* * *

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!


	4. Lost in you

**Disclaimer**: If I owned glee I wouldn't be writing this here.

**Title:** Out of control

**Rating**: T (For now)

**Spoilers**: Season 2. It happens after the whole Furt episode, but there's no much reference to it.

**Summary**: What's wrong with me? Santana feels lonely and frustrated.. She doesn't know what to do.. Set after "Furt".. Brittana and some PezBerry friendship. I suck at this, just go inside and read.

Thanks to everyone for the reviews! They mean so much to me!

**Special Thanks**: To the fabulous Liontiger that still takes a little of her time fixing my many mistakes. She's amazing! All of this is thanks to her :3!

I hope you like this chapter. Thanks for reading!

* * *

**Chapter 4 – Lost in you**

"_Okay, look." I said, walking to the center of the room to be in front of them and looking each of them directly in the eye. "Believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here." It's the truth. "And if you ever tell anyone this, I'll deny it, but I like being in glee club… It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't going to go and mess it up," I said kind of harshly, but I was being honest. They had their reasons for accusing me, but it wasn't fair. I was here 'til the end. That had to count for something right? They all gave me disapproving looks; none of them believed in me. This was a punch in the stomach._

"_I believe you," Rachel said. Who would have thought that of all of them, man hands would be the one trusting me. Maybe the world was more messed up than I thought. But I didn't care that she was the one who believed me. The only thing on my mind was that someone still had a bit of hope for me, and for that, I was thankful._

* * *

Glee club had been really awkward that day, at least for me. Maybe it was because of the bizarre and uncomfortable staring square that formed. Rachel was staring at me as though the more she opened her eyes, the more information she could get out of my brain. Frankly, she was scaring me. I was staring at Abrams while dreaming of every single way to torture him to death, and my imaginary methods involved a few machines used in the eighteen hundreds mixed with some psychological torture techniques. I was enjoying it. Abrams was looking at Brittany like he was stupidly in love. _-Come on, really? I'm actually shocked he could even look more dorky. Who understands Brittany? How can she be into him?- _And for some reason I don't understand, Brittany was staring at Berry with a strange look, between confused and something I couldn't recognize. At least half the club didn't notice what was happening. They were too busy worrying about sectionals and planning something to bring Kurt back.

To be honest, I wasn't so worried about it. I knew he was going to come back sooner or later. _–He had to-_. It was just a matter of time. First of all, he's not fooling anyone. The main reason he decided to transfer schools was because that gay guy was there. Because we all could have protected him. _–We are still willing to do it. I am still willing to do it-. _And come on, we are his friends. We have all been bullied. Well, not me. But I have some internal issues too. Everyone in the club has something to deal with, and some continue to deal with a lot of stuff. And if it was for the bullying, please… Berry would have transferred not only from school, but from the country. Or even the asshole, I mean Abrams, goes through crap every day because of his disability, and he never complains. Or Puck, he confessed to me that he was scared – and not normal scared, but scared as a little girl – of going back to juvie. –_I never believed what he said. He was bragging too much and I just went with it. I knew it must have been a hard time_-, or about his entire future. I even consoled him a lot over the summer on some restless nights about having to give Beth away. There was also Quinn. She went through a lot, and by a lot I mean a mountain of trouble, giving away her baby, being thrown away of her home, dealing with trust issues with her own mom, losing everything. Gosh, a lot. But she decided to stand up for herself and not let it get to her. Or Brittany, she got lost in the sewers. I know nobody notices it, but she has a difficult time too. Come on, what kind of parents don't even notice that their daughter got lost for four days? And it was all because I realized she couldn't be at the dance academy every single minute of every fucking day.

I guess I was just disappointed in Kurt. I figured he was one of those people strong enough to fight until the end. But I wasn't one to judge; he went through a lot. And more than the fact that I wasn't one to judge, I couldn't judge. At least he had the guts to be honest about who he was. Unlike me. But still, I was confident that sooner or later he was going to come back. Maybe he didn't consider me a friend. But Tina, Mercedes, Sam, and Finn were all here. And he was going to come back. He was going to realize that. And besides, the plan that I had developed with the boys to sabotage Karofsky again was infallible. And more importantly, no one would ever prove that we were the ones behind it. For that, I thank Sue Sylvester's years of training in the arts of trickery and deceit, as she liked to call it. After all, she helped me plan half the thing. Karofsky was going to be out of the picture, and Kurt was going to come back.

* * *

As I was leaving the choir room, someone grabbed me by the arm and took me to a corner. It was Finn. –_Always so delicate, Frankenteen_- I thought sarcastically.

"Let me go, or I swear…" I didn't finish the sentence and he let me go. –_Great. You learn fast, kid_- "What do you want?" I say harshly, giving him a bad look.

"Look Santana, I don't know what you're playing at, but please stop it. I told you I was in love with Rachel. It doesn't matter if she's an armchor…"

"Anchor…"

"…anchor or whatever dragging me down. I love her, so please don't ruin it. She doesn't deserve it. I know it's my fault. I was the one that slept with you, but don't ruin it. Don't be mean to her. So quit whatever plans your doing. It's not right," he said, trying to look brave but still looking away. I knew he was really afraid.

His words hurt me, more than I thought they would. Why did everything I do need to have an ulterior motive?

"Look Hudson, get over yourself. As difficult as it can be for you to understand, not all my actions revolve around you or happen because of you. And as entertaining as annoying Berry can be, we're not…" _-What? Hanging out? Being friends?-"_ …talking and stuff because I have a master plan to hurt her, ok? She's nice." He seemed confused, but I think he understood my point. He looked kind of relieved after a few moments. "And for the record, I'm not that much of a bitch," I added in a lower voice.

"…Thank you?" His goofy smile is always so charming.

"Just don't go screw it all up yourself. She's a good girl," I said as I started walking, leaving him alone in the hallway.

* * *

I was staring at my door, trying to clear my head. I tried to focus on something else, like self-control. It had been difficult, but until that moment I had been able to control the emotions that were overwhelming me. Fear, hope, anxiety, anticipation, despair, and longing were all battling to be first within me. And at the same time, I was fighting with them so they wouldn't take over. It was a mess. But I was handling it perfectly.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" I snapped to reality. It was my mom. She was looking at me as if I was a cow with three heads and chicken legs.

"Yes mommy, why?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. The last time I saw that look on her face was after I went through the trauma of my first kiss with Brittany.

"Well, you're kind of in the fetal position, and I'm sure that before I said anything you were moving back and forth. Maybe I'm not a doctor, but I know that's really wrong," she said laughing and coming close to me. She put a hand on my forehead. "Are you feeling okay, baby? Want me to skip work and stay with you?" -_Fuck, I'm worse than I thought… why, Brittany? Why?-_

"I'm okay, mommy. Don't worry," I said, smiling awkwardly but trying to sound as convincing as I could.

"Are you sure?" I nod. "Well, okay then. If you need anything, you can call me or your father. We'll be home…"

"By seven, as usual. I know where to find every number on earth I could call if something happens, and I know I have to close every door just to be safe, because even if this is Lima, one has to be secure. I know, mum. You tell me that every single day of my life," I said, kind of annoyed but with a smile. My mom always did the same thing. –_Mom, I love you, but please go. I don't want you to see your daughter having a nervous breakdown because her… best friend? The love of her life?... is coming_-

"Okay, sweetie," she said, smiling. "I just wish you and Brittany would make up. She used to keep you company. Such a good girl. I don't know why you two fought. You need to apologize to her."

"MOM! Why should I apologize? I didn't do anything." _-Ok, maybe I did, but she's my mom. She's supposed to be on my side.- _"And whatever, we made up already. Maybe she'll come later," I said pouting. My own mom thought I was the bad one.

"Don't be mad, baby. You know you can be kind of… difficult… sometimes," she said, smiling and kissing me on the forehead. "I love you. Be careful, and make sure Brittany stays for dinner," she said, and went to work. I sighed and went back to my fetus position; I needed to control myself before Brittany arrived.

* * *

Everything was settled. I wanted the afternoon to be perfect. Not perfect like filled with romance, –_yet_- but perfect as in a bestfriend-who-loves-you-and-wants-to-make-you-smile-all-day-without-seeming-like-she-tried-too-much kind of way. I had Brittany's favorite movies: Lady and the Tramp, Aladdin, Finding Nemo, Silence of the Lambs, and the whole series of Saw. –_She's so weird. I love her_- I moved all the furniture so we could have room to dance, no matter which style they danced. That was surely going to make Brittany happy, and if Brittany was happy, I was happy. And of course I had to use my secret weapon, her fluffy stuffed duck, Ducky. -_What a lack of imagination on our part_- I thought. I put it over on my bed. I wasn't sure if we were going to actually get to my room at any time soon, and not just because of some sexual thing. But if we happened to pass through there, I had to make sure she saw the stuffed animal, mostly because I knew how sad she got after I had put him inside my closet days after she gave it to me. Something was just wrong about having sex in front of the toy Brittany called "their baby". I knew she was going to be very happy for the thingy to be outside.

The doorbell rang, and I had a mini panic attack.

"Hey, S!" she said cheerfully and, literally, jumped on me. Sometimes she forgets she's, like, a lot bigger than me. But I really don't care; I tried not to fall while hugging her.

"Hey, Britt," I said smirking. "Hope you like the décor," I said, pointing at the space in the living room I had created while closing the door.

"Oh yes! I haven't danced too much lately, only during the practices and at the academy, and sometimes at home." –_And that's not dancing too much…-_ I thought, smiling. "You know, because Artie can't dance so much. He likes it when he sings and I dance. I like it too, but I feel bad he can't dance," she explained. _–We were good and you had to bring him up…- _I sighed.

"Well, we'll dance today. I promise," I said, giving her my best smile and dismissing the Artie subject. She smiled and put her back on the couch. This was going to be a great afternoon.

We spent the afternoon watching the last two movies of the Saw series. I couldn't understand how she could be so amused and laugh through this. I mean, were we seeing the same movie? It's not like it gets to me, but the thing is horrible. Not funny at all, and to be honest, I didn't watch the gore-ish parts. I was too busy hiding my face on Brittany's side to worry about it. Not that they scared me; nothing scares me. –_They do scare me… A lot- _I just wanted to be close to Britt. After that, we talked a lot. She told me about what happened while we were kind of apart. Some things I knew already, some things were normal, and some things made me want to throw up, like all the time she spent telling me about Artie and their relationship. Well, at least he wasn't being a douche bag. Not that that made me want to kill him any less. I told her some stuff too. Not so detailed like she did, but some stuff, about me breaking it off with Puck, –_something that I must say made her happier than I thought it will, and that's saying something_- about my evil plan to throw Karofsky away, and my new-found friendship with Rachel. She cut the conversation off quickly. I guess she wanted to dance already, and well, Brittany never pays much attention.

We put the music at the max volume and started dancing some choreographies we already knew, cheerios and glee stuff. But at the end, we were just having fun and dancing like fools, as if the world around us didn't exist. I made her spin. We were laughing so hard. She spun back to me but it was too fast, and we both fell over the couch, still laughing.

I could feel my heart beat rising and hers too. She was on top of me. –_So close… so fucking close_- After a moment our laughter faded away, and we were both just lost in each other's eyes. –_Calm down, you can handle this, you can handle this, you can handle this, you can handle th…_- Before I realized what was happening, she kissed me. Her lips were as soft and warm as I remembered them. I kissed her back, softly and lovingly, but at the same time passionately and ferociously, as if my life was linked to that kiss. I knew those lips perfectly, as she knew mine. I put one hand on the back of her head and another one on her lower back to hold her better. She put both of her hands on my back, pulling me closer as if it were possible, sending shivers up and down my spine. My eyes were closed. If this was a dream, I wasn't going to wake up. The kiss went deeper as passion took over every inch of our bodies. We were trembling; it had been too much time apart, too much time without this sweet nectar of her lips. She pulled away slightly. We were both heated and breathing hard. I opened my eyes hesitantly. She was flushed, her eyes sparkling. I felt like dying of happiness.

"This… this is wrong… This is wrong S…. I… him…we…" she said under her breath, not making sense, but before I could say anything she was kissing me again.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think!**


	5. Burns Like Fire

**Disclaimer**: If I owned glee I wouldn't be writing this here.

**Title:** Out of control

**Rating**: T (For now)

**Spoilers**: Season 2. It happens after the whole Furt episode, but there's no much reference to it.

**Summary**: What's wrong with me? Santana feels lonely and frustrated.. She doesn't know what to do.. Set after "Furt".. Brittana and some PezBerry friendship. I suck at this, just go inside and read.

Thanks to everyone for the reviews! They mean so much to me!

**Special Thanks**: I'm running out of adjetives to describe how great Liontiger is and how thankful I am for her help! She's the best of the best! Thank you so much! *-*!

Sorry for the late update, I was working non-stop! But I hope you enjoy this chapter!. And thanks for reading!

* * *

**Chapter 5 - Burns Like Fire**

"This… this is wrong… This is wrong S…. I… him…we…" she said under her breath, not making sense. But before I could say anything, she was kissing me again. I knew what she was trying to say, but I couldn't stop. I was holding onto that kiss because for this moment, it seemed like the only thing that was real, the only thing worthy, the only thing that made sense in this lonely and senseless parody of a life I was living in.

I didn't know how long it lasted, and I didn't care. We just let ourselves go. And I knew that this time, this act we'd shared so many times before, was different, was enigmatic, was filled with so many strong feelings, some of which I hadn't felt before, or that I didn't allowed myself to feel, and I didn't know why. Maybe it was different because at this moment, I knew I'd lost her just when I came to admit to myself that 'something' I had realized long ago: that I loved her, the fact that I was utterly and completely in love with her. But this time, every kiss, every touch, every shiver, every tremble, every breath we shared, the compass of our bodies moving to the rhythm we had created for ourselves, was simply wonderful. At that elusive moment nothing was hers, or mine, or even ours. It just 'was'. I gave myself away to that mix of old longing and newly discovered feelings.

_I knew what you were thinking, I knew how you felt, but I also knew that you loved me and that was greater than other feeling you could think of right now, so you gave in. You gave in with me, as did I with you. You gave into that sinful and forbidden taste our kisses acquired._ We both gave into that guilty pleasure that lived in the refuge of each other's arms and greeted us with a smile, knowing we were going to come back sooner or later. As we finished, overwhelmed, we both enjoyed the sweet taste of glory masked as betrayal. Not with someone else, as the world disappeared at the moment, but with betrayal to ourselves.

When it was over, I embraced her. I buried my face in her neck, enjoying her warm body so close to mine. For the first time I was the one looking for shelter in her body. I felt so vulnerable, but I didn't mind. It was perfect. I closed my eyes, just hugging her. Both of us were lost in the limbo of our thoughts, enjoying that explosion of feelings and emotions that just rushed through our bodies. I could feel her softly tickling my cheek with a bit of my hair and I couldn't help but smile. I opened my eyes just to get lost in hers.

"We lost our minds today, right?" she said smirking. Using the phrase she used every time we did something new at the beginning of our... whatever this was.

"As if we ever cared," I said, smiling and giving her a soft kiss. I couldn't help but be thankful she didn't bring up everything that almost made this not happen. I knew we were going to talk about it sooner or later, but at least it wasn't on her mind right now. That took some of the weight off my shoulders.

The magic ended up the moment I glanced at the clock. _–Fuck! Can someone let me enjoy my happiness, please?-_ My mom was going to be here in twenty minutes.

"S, I hate that your parents always get home at seven," she said kind of annoyed. "You always get your share of scissoring and I never get as many sweet lady kisses as I want," she said pouting. I laughed and gave her a quick kiss.

We organized everything pretty fast _–Long time of experience- _After all, it was just a mess of cushions and some blankets by the floor. Then we went upstairs to clean up. I was right about Ducky. She flipped. She jumped over my bed and hugged the thing so hard that for a moment, I was glad it wasn't a real duck, or it would be dead by now. I couldn't help but smile at the image. How could this cute girl be the same sexy girl I just had sex with moments ago? _–How can you be so many people at the same time and at the end, still be you, Brittany? How can I not love you?-_ I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She stopped hugging the duck and looked at me. _–Fuck! Not that look. I know that look- _She wanted to talk about everything. And by everything, I mean everything I didn't want to talk about right now.

"San…"

"Santana! Brittany! We're here! Where are you girls?" _-Yes! Dad, I love you!-_

"Saved by the bell," I say smirking before leaning down and giving her a quick peck before rushing out of my room to the living room. She came out right after me.

* * *

"What is Rachel doing here?" Brittany asked, confused. Not that I minded Berry being here, but I was asking myself the same question.

"Well hello, Brittany. If you must know, I was just walking home from Noah's house and Mrs. And Mr. Lopez spotted me and cordially invited me to have dinner with you all." She smiled too much.

"What were you doing at Puck's?" I asked, confused. _-Did she almost choke?-_

"We were… I was rehearsing a song that needed some guitar background and Noah was helping me with it," she said, not sounding so convincing. I smirked _–Oh you're so lying…-_

"I play the guitar. You can ask me for help anytime." I liked it when she got all nervous. It was pretty funny.

"I… uhm… I'll be requesting your help from now on then," she said awkwardly. –_We're so going to talk about this later_-

"I'm not staying for dinner, San." I was so distracted outlining a Machiavellic plan to get the full details out of man hands that I almost forgot Brittany was there. –_Seriously I have a problem; I can't focus on anything lately_-

"What? Why Britt?" I turned to her, confused. All of the sudden she sounded… angry?

"San, my sister helped me google about lizards. I know they don't always digest their food in the same place, but they're not supposed to take their place with them everywhere they go, or they wouldn't be lizards!…. Just, leave it like that," she said softly but nonetheless harshly. _–What the hell is she talki…? Oh no…Oh shit…-_

"Brit, this is not…" I start, trying to remain calm.

"We'll talk later," she cut in. _-Translation: don't talk to me until I'm ready to talk to you.- _

I wanted to stop her, but that would make it worse later. I let her apologize to my parents and leave, trying my best not to jump to stop her. _-What the fuck? Come on?- _Maybe if that would have happened some other time, it would have been pretty freaking hilarious to me, but not after that afternoon and more importantly not after my whole 'relationship' with Brittany was hanging by a thread.

"Is it me or was Brittany weirder than usual? What was she saying about lizards? Was she mad? I can't tell…" said Rachel staring at the door through which Brittany had gone out.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck" I said in between my teeth. _-Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-_

"Would you care to explain what just happened?" she asked, frowning.

"Well darling, after dinner, we're going to have a repeat of the friend-confessions experience," I said simply, pressing my jaw. If I was 'more' screwed indirectly because of her, she was going to help me clean it up. "And don't believe for a second that this is going to be a one way street. I won't forget about Puck," I said seriously and dragged her to the table, where my parents were already seated.

* * *

"This is the perfect scenario, Santana!" she said with a dreamy voice. _–Did you hear anything of what I just said?- _I was starting to think that coming to Berry's house and ranting about my feelings and memories with Brittany had been a bad, bad idea.

"You're insane, has anyone ever told you that?" I said, half confused half angry. _–This is serious, Rachel- _I glanced at my phone. No sign of Brittany there.

"I know this is serious; don't get me wrong." I swore she could read minds. -_Freaking Berry_- "But you can't ask me to not be thrilled at the idea of this particular scenario! I've fantasized about the difficulties associated with the gay struggling and, oh, it's so emotional. I love it. It's on my top five fantasies."

"You've fantasized about being gay?" I asked. -_Now I understand how Brittany feels when she's trying to read a recipe…_-

"I fantasize about everything, Santana," she said, matter-of-fact.

"Whatever," I said, rolling my eyes. "And, how does that helps me?" I said raising an eyebrow. "And I'm NOT gay, are we clear?" –_I'm gay for Brittany_-

"If you have issues about accepting your sexual tendencies, I would be glad to refer you to my therap…"

"I'm not gay, Berry!" I repeat, a little more harshly. "So cut it out. I'm just in love with Brittany, and I want to fix this."

"You're in love with her?" _–First time I say that out loud to anyone, and it had to be Berry- _I was concentrating very much on Rachel's nightstand. "Right… I guess that's an issue we should work on too… But that's not the point of this conversation. the thing is, we have to act now Santana."

"You haven't said anything!" I was getting frustrated with Rachel's assumptions of me, knowing everything going through her head.

"As much as I like Artie, if everything you'd told me is true, you're the one deserving Brittany's love. In spite of of your gay panic, you love her, and you should be with her. Not him," she said quickly, "and we have to erase that nonsense of you and I together of her head. If she tells anyone, people might think I'm with you." I raised an eyebrow.

"And that's bad because?" I said, my ego being kind of hurt by the commentary.

"Unlike you, my dear friend, I have no problem with being gay. But it's mostly bad because of the fact than my boyfriend may be one of those hearing the rumors." _–Touché- _My ego went back up again.

"So you would have no problem being gay with me?" I asked suggestively and moved closer to her_. –Let's tease Berry-_

"Of course not. You're definitely what any man or woman would crave for, Santana," she whispered and came even closer. I was petrified. I was internally freaking out. Actually, the inner me was screaming like a little girl while running around in circles. "I would definitely have no problem being gay with you." I let out a little scream while jumping off her bed.

"Noah said being bad was fun. He was so right. That was _priceless,_" she said bursting into laughter. Fuck off. _–The teaser becomes the teased- _I was so fucked up.

"If you tell anyone about this Ms. Sylvester's tortures will be something you'll long for, Berry."

"Relax, I was just teasing you and, of course, showing off the fact that I can be as mischievous as you," she said smiling. "Going back to what we were talking about. You deserve Brittany, what do we do to get her back?" _–I hate you, no one teases me!- _"And let me just say that I ask that question out of courtesy, as I already have the perfect plan, of course. But my therapist told me I should work on that."

"Shut up, Rachel" I said while looking at my phone again; still no sign of her. And I doubted there would be. "Thing is, I don't know if your heard me, but I messed things up with her because I'm stupid. I was a fucking disaster… and that stupid Abrams is apparently treating her pretty well… I just have to stop being such a bitch, show her that I can change in every way, and if she loves me she'll come back to me."

"That is, and I'm sorry for the language, bull shit, Santana." _–What?- _"And I know you know that. So please be silent. The only way of getting what you want is fighting for it, and you should be happy you have the best ally to help you with it. And that is, of course, me." _–I hate that she's right- _"You just have to pretend you're not doing anything," she said winking. _–Who would have known Berry was this evil?-_

"You know that the more time we spend together, you break a little more of that image I had of you," I said smirking. "And I approve."

"Then, let's get to work Miss Lopez," she said grinning. And as it was becoming a habit of my get together with Rachel, this was going to be a long night.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! Leave a review and let me know what you think!**  
**Kisses! **


	6. Free Fall

**Disclaimer**: If I owned glee I wouldn't be writing this here.

**Title:** Out of control

**Rating**: T (For now)

**Spoilers**: Season 2. It happens after the whole Furt episode, but there's no much reference to it.

**Summary**: What's wrong with me? Santana feels lonely and frustrated.. She doesn't know what to do.. Set after "Furt".. Brittana and some PezBerry friendship. I suck at this, just go inside and read.

**Special Thanks**: As always, to the marvelous, incredible and amazing Liontiger, that always finds time to help with this story. Thank you so much!

And thanks for the reviews and to every one that takes a little bit of their time to read this story! I hope you like this chapter!

* * *

**Chapter 6 - Free Fall**

"That's not going to work," I said plainly, staring at my nails. They had become pretty interesting after half an hour _–That seemed like three ages-_ of Berry's yapping.

"I wasn't finished, Santana" she said, annoyed. "This is the third time you've interrupted me…"

"Because your plan is useless," I said, rolling my eyes. "Stop looking at me with those big brown eyes, Berry. It's not going to happen." _–The only person that can change my mind looking at me like that is Brittany, so don't even try- _"Let's think about something else." She keeps staring at me. It's awkward. "Berry, if you make me go Satan on you, you'll be sorry. Glee club isn't here to stop me," I said with a cynical smile. She got scared and looked away. That's better.

"I still don't understand why creating the perfect environment for Artie to break up with Brittany is wrong. She'll feel so denigrated, used and sad that she'll be jumping into your arms in a minute!"

"How many times do I have to explain? That was the main reason she went to wheels in the first place. And it was because of me, genius, so it's a no-go…" I said, annoyed at Berry's unconscious reminder of me being a bitch. "And I don't want Britt to feel bad… again…"

"But she will. He's a kind of a jer… a bad boyfriend. Tina told us their experience… so we would be just… accelerating the process," she said, smiling.

"No, Berry… We need something better. We need something to keep wheels away while I get B back. I was doing it very well by myself until _this_ happened, so we need to focus and fix this for now. We'll deal with the other part later…" I said slowly so she get the idea, "and if he's a douche, well that's a plus. But it won't be because of us… I don't have any good experience with that," I said, remembering the last conversation _–Fight_- Brittany and I had before she stopped talking to/started avoiding me. All because of my first 'fabulous' idea to break them off. _-I still don't know how Abrams can still be nice with me after that, sympathetic asshole-._

* * *

"_Why would you tell him that? You knew he would break up with me!" Brittany said angrily, looking at me straight in the eye. I looked around nervously, thanking God that after the practice, the locker room was empty. Thank God for Sue Sylvester and whatever it was about her that made the poor Cheerios want to run home after three hours with her._

"_I don't even know what you're talking about, B," I said, pulling myself together and continuing to brush my hair as if nothing happened. –_Well, at least they broke up_-_

"_You told him I was using him because of his voice," she said, stopping my hand and taking the brush away from me so I could see her without distractions. "You told him I just had sex with him to win the competition." –_What if I did? You're mine_- "He thinks it didn't mean anything… he thinks I have sex with everybody."_

"_Well, you do…" I regretted it just after the words escaped from my mouth. And then I regretted it more, when I saw the hurtful look in her eyes. "B, I'm sorr-"_

"_You know I don't do that anymore… not since you!… Not since us," I could feel her voice breaking. _

"_Britt, I'm Sorry… I wasn't thinking"_

"_Yes you were. You just want to hurt people. It's all you do!" -_Punch in the stomach. Thank you, B_-. _

"_I don't try to hurt you!" I said with an indignant expression, my tone rising. _

"_You never try, but you always do, San," she said calmly, sounding a little sad. This scared me. I'd rather have the angry Brittany that first came screaming at me. How could things change so fast? I was getting to know all of these new sides of her after what happened in her house the other day. I wanted my old Brittany back. But I had to screw things up._

"_I didn't want to say that B…" –Please believe me; it's true. I don't want to fight anymore-_

"_What? Calling me a slut or telling Artie I used him?" she asked, raising an eyebrow and crossing her arms. _

"…"

"_Just…forget about it, San. We'll talk later," she said looking at me… disappointed? She walked to the door. "I'm not that naïve Santana. I just wish you had other ways to show me you're jealous than hurting him, and me," she said turning around for a moment._

"_I wasn't jealous." _-That's all you have to say, Lopez? Nice one-

"_Whatever, Santana," she said, not even looking at me. The door closed right behind her. I wanted to slam my head on the locker. And to think that, like, five hours ago we were happily spying on Mr. Shue and Miss Pillsbury. I was in my happy place, thinking everything had gotten back to normal, the duet-drama long forgotten_. -I knew someday all my bitchiness was going to blow up in my face. Fuck, I hate karma-

* * *

"Santana? Earth to Santana? HOLA?" I snapped out of my thoughts "So you've done this before? To who? What happened?" She seemed too amused by the idea. Some shrink should study her. It would be a unique case. And then the same shrink should study me and explain me why and how on earth she was growing on me. _-The McKinley fucked ups; that would be a best seller_-

"It was just… well… let's say those sort of things always come back to bite you in the ass. So we won't do that," I said smiling at her. "And please don't ever do it, Berry. I don't want to see you hurt." _-Like me-_

"What hap…?" I shut her questions down with a simple look. _–Glad you understand, Berry-_ "Ok, if we can't do anything that involves the alteration of Brittany's reality, then I'm sorry to say that none of my extended list of plans can be used," she said, actually seeming sad. "What are your plans?"

"Let's just take a break, Rachel. All this yapping of yours is giving me a headache," I said truthfully. "In the meantime, you're going to tell me what's going on between you and Puckerman."

"You called me by my given name," she said with bright eyes. _–Damn, I did-_

"Don't get used to it man hands, and don't change the subject. What about Puckerman?" That was awkward for me for two reasons. First, well, I called Berry by her actual name, and for some reason high school society planted in my mind, that was wrong in so many levels. Second, she seemed genuinely happy about it, and that spark in her eyes at that moment, for something so insignificant, made me realize that the ever-happy Rachel Berry wasn't that real all the time. And that made me sad.

"We were rehearsing a song. I told you," she said nervously.

"Oh that won't work, Berry. You can go to all those acting classes and stuff, but you can't lie to me. Spit it out," I said smirking.

"My acting is amazing, Santana. Acknowledge that, please," she said, kind of angrily. _–Right… I have the Run, Joey, Run video to prove you wrong- _I thought, smiling. "You just take notice of my lying because on this short but quality time of friendship, you've gotten to know me," she said, smiling proudly _–Sure, Rachel. Sure-_

"I'm still waiting to hear something interesting," I said, raising an eyebrow without taking the smirk off my face.

"I'm… I'm not doing anything wrong, Santana, I swear. I've been faithful to Finn," she said quickly, looking at the floor, slightly embarrassed by her words. "And I swear that when you were with Noah, I never exchanged more than friend-like words to him at school. It mostly happened during Glee club and on the way home when we ran into each other," she said, giving me an apologetic look. I laughed at this. She seemed so worried, and I hadn't really cared about Puck for a long time.

"Calm down," I said smiling. "It's no problem. Now, some explaining please..." I said seriously. "You've been faithful to the Frankenteen. It's all right. But that means there's something else? What happened?"

"Noah has always been nice to me, well, after we were together for a couple of days… remember?" I nodded _–Go on-_ "Well I guess we've been spending more time together than usual lately. I guess he has really changed internally after everything that happened last year," _–He's still a dog in heat- _I thought to myself but didn't mention to her. I knew Puck could be cute when he wanted to. "And well, I've always liked his bad boy attitude and rebellious tendencies, but that doesn't mean that I've been doing anything wrong!" _-Again, justifying yourself. Maybe you need to believe it more than me-_ "We've just been singing, hanging out, talking, all of that… The thing is, I'm enjoying it more than my time with Finn," she said, looking ashamed of what she had just said.

"But you love Finnocence…" I said, confused.

"I love him with all my heart."

"But..."

"But… he has too many emotional issues, and that's coming from me," she said, half smiling. "He's like a twelve year old girl." _-That's true, like I said. It's exhausting to look at him-_ "And don't get me wrong. I love him like that, but… since the wedding he has been behaving weird, like hiding something from me." –_Fuck… can you be more subtle, Hudson?-_ "… and I can't bring myself to care about it. Not in a nice way like other times, out of reckless love, but because I honestly don't care." That was new. I always thought Berry was like a Puppy after Hudson, the one that always came back no matter how hard you kicked it. So I was kind of proud of the fact that she didn't care. But those weren't the words she was looking for. _–Time to be a good friend to Berry and pay back for all this time she's been helping you- _I put the plan to fix my situation with Brittany on hold and prepared to be an actual human being, listening and advising my friend, Man hands.

* * *

"Brittany."

"What do you want, dwarf?" _-Oh Berry, she hates you. Brittany is never mean. Well, not on purpose.- _

"I'm several inches higher than the stature considered to be normal, so please don't call me that," said Rachel quickly. "But that's not the issue I was here to talk about; actually, we. I guess you noticed Santana here." We decided to go with the truth. It was the easiest plan. But at this moment, I wasn't really sure about it.

"Sure," she said without looking at us, pretending to ignore us but failing miserably. She was never good at lying. I wasn't able to talk; I was just staring at her, remembering everything that happened the day before.

"The point is we're aware of your confusion and we're here to clarify…" _–Damn Berry and her big words… cut it off-_

"We're not together, B." I said, stepping closer. "You didn't give me a chance to explain yesterday, and she's here to prove my words. I'm not with her. I'm not with anyone," I said, emphasizing the last part. _–I'm not with anyone because I love _you_-_

"You're… you're not?" she said with her spacey voice, closing her locker and looking at us for the first time. Not a hint of her 'mean' self. "Then why is she always with you?"

"Finn was actually right. She's kind of cool" I said, smiling and glancing at Berry.

"San, don't be mean!" she said, putting her hand over her chest. "So, you're just, friends? Like me and Mike? Even if people think we're doing stuff and we're just dancing? Or like me and Kurt? Because if it is like me and Kurt then I don't like it! Because we made out…"

"Like you and Mike," said Rachel smiling.

"Really?" she asked, smiling back and staring at both of us.

"Pinky promise," I said, offering her my pinky. She took it and hugged me, yesterday's fight long forgotten. _–Sometimes I swear she is kind of bipolar, but I love her-_

"Oh this is such a personal and cute moment," said Berry after a moment, breaking our long hug. I wanted to kill her.

"Rachel, I'm so sorry for calling you the D-word, but I was mad at you even if it was Santana's fault. I'm sorry," she said, trapping Berry in a bear hug that totally caught her by surprise. "I'm really, really sorry. If you forgive me I promise I'll keep my talent to myself and let you have the solos, even if I'm way better than you or anyone else," she said, hugging poor little Berry even harder. Even without being able to breathe Berry could manage to be mad at Brittany's words. _-That girl is crazy- _

"B, I think she needs to breath. Let her go," I said, laughing to myself. _–Hug me instead. I never get tired of it- _"Are we cool?" I asked, hopeful.

"We still need to talk," she said seriously, "but later. We'll talk during Glee club. I'll sit with you today. Artie's going to play with the band," she said, smiling. _–Is he, like, a part of my everyday now?- _We all headed to class.

* * *

I'm a dead woman. I'm the living dead now. If I'm actually alive right now, it's because someone wanted me to think about the horrible dead that was upon me. I can see the headlines: 'Teenage Girl Killed By Jack the Ripper Imitator', 'First Assault On What Seems To Be the Lima Massacre', 'Mysterious and Horrible Homicide Strikes Lima. The Victim: An Innocent Cheerio of McKinley High'. _–Keep calm, Santana Lopez. No matter what you do, don't look at her-. _

"Santana, are you okay with singing the solo at Sectionals?" asked Mr. Shue after watching my face fill with panic. I nodded. _–I'm just scared of how Rachel's going to kill me, dude. That's all- _"Brittany, Mike, you're both amazing dancers. Let's show your sweet moves. You'll perform while Santana sings," he said smiling. I felt so proud of Brittany. She was going to love it - she was going to freak out - but she would love it. "And the Ballad will go to our Duet winners, Sam and Quinn."

"I don't get why Mr. Shue raises so many male ducks. He's weird," Brittany whispered to my ear.

"Are you trying to throw this? Really?" said Rachel, infuriated _–Here it comes, my horrible death. Bye mom, dad, my whole family, my fan club, please tell Brittany I love her with all my heart- _"…Even if it's wild and dangerous, I understand your choice to go with Mike and Brittany's dancing. And if it was my choice I would have picked Mercedes to sing with Santana. They're a perfect duet pairing. Both of their voices are extraordinary! But this is clearly not my choice, Mr. Shue, come on…" _–…and please, God, if you're magical and stuff don't let my mom check under my mattress or she'll find… wait, what? Did Berry say my voice was extraordinary?- _"…Giving the ballad, the more important piece, to a couple that's clearly below mine and Finn's talent is outrageous!" _–Oh God, she's actually fine with me singing the solo…. This is weird… Fuck now I won't find out if Hell has Wi-Fi connection…-_

"I don't want to hear a word about this Rachel. The choice has been made." She was ready to reply but he cut her off. "And you're right. It's not your choice, so keep your comments to yourself." _–Why does he treat her like that? I hate it when he does. He's supposed to act like a teacher… You're on my list, Shuester-_

"With this, and Kurt on the warblers, we're surely going to lose," she said, mostly to herself than to anyone else. "You better do an amazing job, Lopez." _–Last name and everything…- _she said to me. I was afraid she would explode at any moment.

* * *

"What the hell is your fucking problem?" I said harshly, pushing Abrams into an empty classroom.

"What are you even talking about?" he asked, clearly uncomfortable with the idea of being pushed around by me without his approval.

"I saw your little act. Are you stupid or is someone paying you to play the part?" I said, turning him around to face me. Or well, to look up and face me. _–I'm going to kill you if your eyes go near my boobs, Abrams; don't push me- _"Why are you treating Brittany like a fucking child? Is there something wrong with you? What the hell was that comb shit?"

"Oh that!" _–I'm screaming at you, how can you be calm? Am I losing my touch?- _"Well you, of all people should know how Brittany is, Santana. It was just something I came up with to help her with her fear of dancing and…"

"That's something you say to a freaking five year old! She may not be the brightest, but If you want to make her feel more confident, then you speak the truth, no matter what it is. She's a fabulous dancer. She doesn't need a 'magic comb' to know that. Don't treat her like she's mentally ill, you fucking asshole!"

"I'm just treating her according to the way she acts… I don't see what the big deal is…"

"Look. To me, it's a big deal, and that's what matters. You may not be calling her "stupid" or "retard" like most people do, but this is not helping her. Yeah, maybe she acts innocent and naïve at some moments, but it's just her personality, not how she is! And you don't have to treat her like a baby, because she'll get used to it. She's easily influenced! Are you a freaking pedophile? How can you… sleep… with someone you've been treating like a child? Asshole!" _–You just made me admit you're having sex with her. I'm going to kill you- _"Look, if you don't want me to hurt you - badly - you'll treat her according to her age. Because what you're doing is worse than calling her names, and its definitely not helping her grow. You'll tell her things the way they are, even if she likes it or not, and even if you like it or not. Are we clear?" I said with a threatening voice. All of this made me furious._ –Who the hell does he think he is? Doesn't he know Brittany is a very trusting person, and she'll believe a lot of things you say to her? Asshole!- _

"Santana…"

"I don't care about what you have to say. You'll tell her the truth and, with that, the fact that she's an amazing dancer. That's all she needs to win."

"But…"

"I don't have a problem beating a guy in a wheelchair if that guy is you, Abrams," I said coldly. That's actually not true. I wouldn't hit him; it's wrong. But fear is the way, as Sue Sylvester says. "Are we clear? And not a word to Brittany about this. I will know, blabber mouth," I said, remembering the trouble he got me into before. He was pale and didn't say anything. "So?"

"We're clear…" he said with a low voice and nodded. I started walking away. "Thanks for showing me that perspective, Santana. You're right. It won't happen again, thank you." He said; it sounded sincere.

"No problem, Wheels. Everything for my best friend," I said, my voice remaining cold, and I didn't turn back before leaving.

* * *

I'm captivated by her. The way she dances, every move is filled with so much passion, so much love. It's unreal. I could watch her dance all day. She fascinates me, how she becomes one with the music, with the rhythm, it's amazing. I was so hypnotized that it shocked me a little when I heard the music stop. She was walking to me, smiling. She sat on the floor next to me.

"San, are you sure you don't want to go home? You've come with me to motocross, and then here to the academy. You haven't even eaten…" she said, worried. I shook my head. "Sure? Don't you want…" I didn't let her continue. I trapped her in a kiss, a soft kiss. I had wanted to kiss her so badly all day. We broke the kiss after a moment. She looked around nervously.

"What..?" I put my finger over her lips, not letting her say anything.

"I just felt like it," I said, not even caring if people saw us. But that didn't matter. The only person still in the dance academy was the owner, and he was in his office. He had let Brittany practice overtime, because, who can resist her?

"San, we can't we do this anymore… Artie is my boyfriend," she said, but by her tone I knew her heart was not with her words.

"It doesn't matter…" I said, trying to kiss her again. She pushed me back slowly.

"It matters to me… I can't do this to him. He's so good to me, and I care about him… What happened can't happen again. It was… it was incredible; I was with you, but… I can't do it anymore. I have to learn how to be a good girlfriend. He deserves it…" she said, her words filled with honesty. This was my fault; I pushed her into his arms.

"But you don't love him, B." I said pleading. _–You don't love him-_

"I know, but I don't want to hurt him, San. He's good. I can learn to love him…"

"You don't learn to love people. You just feel it. You love people and that's it. It's not something you force yourself to do," I said, words coming out of me without even thinking. But it was what I truly wanted to say. "He's not bad, I know. But you don't love him, B."

"You don't know that. You told me you've never fallen in love," she said. I got lost into her eyes again.

"I have…" I said, my heartbeat quickening. "I love…you."

* * *

**Thank you for reading! Leave a review and let me know what you think!**  
**Kisses.**


	7. Contradictions

**Disclaimer**: If I owned glee I wouldn't be writing this here.

**Title:** Out of control

**Rating**: T (For now)

**Spoilers**: Season 2. It happens after the whole Furt episode, but there's no much reference to it.

**Summary**: What's wrong with me? Santana feels lonely and frustrated.. She doesn't know what to do.. Set after "Furt".. Brittana and some PezBerry friendship. I suck at this, just go inside and read.

**Special Thanks**: As always, thanks to the ever wonderfull Liontiger. An amazing person and writer! Thank you so so sooo much!

A/N: I really want to apologize for the long wait guys! I'm so sorry! I blame the holidays and then everything went crazy!... But, I hope you enjoy this chapter! 2 more to go and we're done! Thank you all for the reviews!

* * *

**Chapter 7 - Contradictions**

_Contradictions don't need to be negative, per se. The thing is that every contradiction has an explanation to which we're not yet prepared to face. Because of that, we don't have to run away from them; we need to face them and see where they take us… Because it is within our contradictions that the solutions we're looking for exist. _

_All of us have contradictions. Indeed, we need the conflict that these contradictions introduce as a step to find the things we want… or the things we do not want._

_What's that something that confines you but that you want? What's that something that you want but you resist? What's that something that you resist but sets you free? What's that something that sets you free but condemns you? What's that something that condemns you but that you love? What is it that you love but that you reject?_

* * *

I'm a walking contradiction. And every question I ask myself, every answer I get, every path I take, everything: leads me to you.

Maybe I'm not good at expressing myself - my emotions, my feelings - but that's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that instead of answering my questions, I'll become more confused, more contradicted. So I take shelter in my rudeness, in my feeling of superiority; the one that makes me think that because I'm Santana 'Satan' Lopez, then I don't have to explain myself to anyone, or feel anything for anyone. That's my comfort zone, and as I get more comfortable I am more alone. As I become more alone, I try to shelter myself more, and it's all a vicious cycle that's killing me. But the worst part is I'm too much of a coward to step out of it. Or at least I was, until recently. Now I'm making amends, trying to change. For me, more than anyone, but also for you. Because I love you, and you - and me - deserve a better me.

I don't know how it happened, how you turned into the only one that has made those walls crumble, but I let you in. Somehow you slowly became someone I couldn't live without, someone that was a part of my days, of my nights, of my dreams, of my goals, of my success. In all sense of the words, you became a part of me. Because you can make me feel I'm perfect, untouchable. But you also have the weapons to destroy me. I gave them to you right at the moment I gave you my heart, and you had no idea of it. And now, I have granted you full access to them, right after the first 'I Love you' fell from my lips. And for once in my life, I felt the weirdest contradiction I had experienced with you, the weirdest I had ever felt in my entire life. I felt like if I was falling into an abyss. No parachutes, nothing on the sides to hold me, sure I couldn't fly. But the fall didn't bother me, because as I was falling, I had taken the greatest weight off my shoulders. For once I realized how good it felt not to put chains over my love for you, and it was wonderful. Even if I was dying a little because I didn't know how you were going to react, it felt right. I felt right.

* * *

"San, Breathe please…" she said slowly, caressing my back up and down in an attempt to make me calm down. _–Sure, I had to ruin this because I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Nice one, Lopez-_ "In, and then out, and then in, and then out," she said slowly as a mantra, just like every time I got like this. At least I wasn't crying, something I did very often when I was upset. My breathing was calming down. I couldn't stop staring at her with fear in my eyes. We stayed there, silent.

"It's ok. I get it," I said after a few moments, standing up quickly so she wouldn't have the chance to see my eyes filling with tears. I felt her hand on mine, stopping me from walking.

"S, calm down," she said quietly. _–I can't calm down. I just told you I loved you and you didn't say anything!-_ I got free from her hand and walked quickly to pick up my stuff and went outside. I needed fresh air.

After a few moments, she came out after me. I cursed myself for two things. First, winter was coming soon and it was cold, and I was only wearing my cheerios uniform. And two, I suddenly had amnesia and I couldn't remember where the fuck I had parked my car.

"Please come inside. I'm freezing San," she said shivering.

"You go inside. I'll go home," I said harshly without turning around. "Let me know when you're home. It's late." Even after this slap in the face, I worry about her.

"You can't go. I have your keys," she said playfully. I checked my purse. –Damn it…-

"Give me my keys, Brittany," I said turning around and giving her a hard look, not a hint of 'playful' in my voice.

"Come get them," she said, daring me with an evil grin and walking towards the school. I think I was starting to hyperventilate again; not with nerves, but out of anger. I practically ran after her.

"Give me the keys. I want to go now," I said pressing my jaw, trying not to explode. –Calm down, Santana. Calm down-

"I won't let you go, S." -3…2…1…-"I don't want to" –oh shit…Boom?-

"What the fuck is your problem?" I shout angrily "Why do you want me here? You want to make me feel like shit because what I said didn't mean anything to you? Is this a sick game to you? Give me my freaking keys Brittany!"

"We're not sick, San," she said, oblivious to my shouting. "And why do you think it doesn't mean anything to me?" she asked raising an eyebrow. She looked very sure of her words, not many traces of the usual naiveté on her face.

"You didn't say anything!" –_I have to stop shouting…calm down, Santana-_ "I told you I loved you! And you didn't say anything! Not even a fucking 'Thank you' or 'I hate you' out of courtesy! Nothing! Zero! You know how that makes me feel?".

"Thank you hurts worst, Santana. Trust me, I know…that was what I got when I said it to you," she said coldly. "Actually, 'Thank you, but don't be stupid. This is just sex.'"

"You're doing this because of that?" I said incredulously.

"No!" She seemed taken aback and hurt by my words. "I didn't say anything because you're used to getting everything when you want it, S, and that's not right," she said, her words filled with truth. I noticed how hard it was for her to say them.

"How can you think this is how I want it to be Britt?" I said, lowering my voice and walking closer to her, still doubtful.

"Not this. It's just that… you do this, and you want me to jump to you and tell you that I love you too and then everything will be alright like in fairytales?" –Well Yeah! Obviously! Is not that hard!-

"I never said that…"

"I know you. I know that is what you want, because everything is always like that to you, S." I looked down, she was talking the truth. "Why couldn't you tell me when I told you? I know you felt it. You were just afraid." I couldn't face her. "I love you too, S." she stated firmly. "I love you, and I can't believe you thought it didn't mean anything when you said it. You know me better than that." I looked up. If that hurt me, I didn't want to think about how much it hurt her to say it. Maybe like it hurt me to think she didn't care.

"I know, I know… I'm sorry… But… This is what you wanted too! I love you! You love me!"

"I love you, S, with all my heart, but I didn't want it this way" she said, looking away.

"This is the way it's become! It's hard, Britt! It's hard! I'm sorry it happened like this! But I can't go back in time! Why can't we do it this way? Can't we just enjoy it?" I shouted harshly.

"No…" she said plainly "And I'm sorry, S. I do love you. I love you. But it can't be like this… Not because of you, but because of me… I can't go back…" _–Go back to what?-_ "I have to stick to my decision…"

"You choose him over me? You choose that asshole that doesn't know how to treat a lady, how to treat you… over me?"

"I choose me…"

"You're not making sense, Britt."

"You don't understand…"

"All I understand is that I love you, and you picked Wheels over me… over my love! Over our love! You said you loved me! Why can't you be with me now?"

"This is not going anywhere, S. And I don't want to fight with you. Go home…" she said, ignoring what I had said, and attempted to turn around to go back inside. I grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Don't throw me away! Answer me! I told you I fucking loved you! This can't be all you have to say!" I said, my voice breaking, pleading.

"San, just… don't… please, go home…" I let go of her arm and watched her go inside. I walked to find my car. _–Life freaking sucks…-_

_

* * *

_

I drove for a while around town, swearing like a maniac inside the car. I went to the little park close to my neighborhood. Night was closing in, but I needed to relax. This place was fairly nice, and I really didn't want to go home right now. I sat on a bench and listened to the Sad playlist on my iPod, mostly because if I listened to happy songs, I wouldn't cheer up. I would just want to hit all the singers in the face. I was enjoying my music until someone took one of my earphones out. _–What the f…?- _

"Why hello, Santana."

"Lady Fabulous, what are you doing here?" I said with an honest smile. I couldn't believe how much time has passed without seeing Kurt.

"May I ask the same question?" he said raising an eyebrow. _–He was more ladylike than me, I swear-_ I shrugged, I really didn't want to talk about it. "I was just examining the ambiance for a little surprise d'amour I'm going to do," he said dreamily. I knew he was dating Blaine. "Finn told me about something he did here with Rachel and God…" he said, his face showing disgust for a moment, "I stopped him. I didn't want any details of course, but it seemed perfect."

"Oh! Sexing up this park? That's a change… just don't forget to pick up your feathers when you little warblers are done," I said grinning.

"Still the same Santana as usual. I don't get why I even bother," he said, standing up to leave dramatically. –I swear he's like Berry, but the gay man version-

"Chillax, Hummel. I'm just kidding," I said, making him sit again. "You know you're like a magnet for gay jokes."

"And you know that was why I changed schools…"

"You changed schools because you want to marry that Blaine kid," I said smiling. "You know it's true…" I said, hitting him playfully on the shoulder

"Maybe a little…" he said, smiling back.

"I always knew it. You're so gay, Hummel" I said with a grin. We both laughed.

"Just as gay as you, mademoiselle." –Panic-

"What?" I stopped laughing. It was his turn to panic.

"I figured that since we're not in school, we could talk about it…" He said, laughing awkwardly.

"Who told you?" –Fuck… now he knows he's right… Whatever I'm still going to kill Berry...-

"Oh please, Santana. The gaydar comes with the package. You know that," he said like it was obvious. "I've always known about you, Brittany, Sam… although I'm not very sure about him. I think he's trying to be straight because he's new and…"

"Stop rambling, drag queen. How long have you known?" I asked, surprised. But the anger had faded away.

"Hard to say. We've had study together since forever…but I confirmed it last year. It was too obvious." I came to a realization…

"I made your life hell all through school because you we're a fa…gay… Why didn't you say anything?"

"Oh sweetie, because I know how hard it is…" _–And yet again, I prove what I've always known. I'm a shitty person, or everyone's too good-_

"Uhm… Sorry, Kurt, for everything…" I said after a moment of silence. Really meaning it.

"Oh don't do that, girl. The 'sorry' look doesn't fit you at all," he said, looking at me down at me. "But apology accepted," he said softly with a little smile. I couldn't help but smile back. "And how is Britt's?" he asked grinning. The smile literally melted from my face.

"Great… playing house with wheels…" I said harshly.

"They're back together? I thought Artie ditched her long ago! And... wait! Are they an official couple? Why didn't Mercedes mention that on her 1200 updates of McKinley? Who's dating who is priority one! I swear I…" He stopped suddenly. "That's not important right now…right?" He laughed awkwardly _–What was your first clue, Hummel?-_ "What happened with you two?"

"She freaked out over the most stupid thing ever. That's why she started dating Wheels in the first place. I don't even know why on earth she choose him over everybody… And then we had some ups and downs… And they got back together… And now she's on this 'Football player girlfriends' club with Berry and…well, it's fucked up…" _–I believe I didn't make any sense whatsoever-_ He was giving me a funny look and I could almost hear the 'what…?' on the tip of his tongue. I sighed.

"Truth is, I freaked out over the most stupid thing ever… and then I tried to break her and Wheels off, but he's like a Hydra. You cut one head off and then two more grow back. It was a mess. Brittany found out, and it made things between us even weirder. Then they got together and Britt decided to be serious with him. I was mad… but I missed her. Then, I tried to be a better person, but I fucked things up even worse… And no, I don't think I can fix it, no matter what I do. I just love her. Is that so hard to understand?…" _–Is it? Is it?-_

"Oh, Dear God…you're talking like Rachel. Slow down" he said, amused. _–Oh shit… it's contagious-_ "What I could understand from your.. rant was that you have a tendency to damage your relationship with Brittany - no matter how impossible that seems to me given the fact that Brittany is, well, Brittany. She loves every living thing.. and sometimes not so living things… What did you do that was so horrible it can't be fixed?" he asked, worried. _–Why do I always turn out to be the bad one? Why does it have to be my fault all the time?-_

"I told her I loved her," I said, a bitter smile on my face.

"And that's a bad thing because…"

"Because I'm an asshole and a coward, and I waited for so long to tell her…" I said, standing up and kicking the grass. "…And I deserve this. Because I hurt her so bad, making her think that she was just something I could use all the time, knowing that she loved me…" The words just flew of my mouth, but they were more for me than for him. "…And even though I know I got what was coming to me, it still hurts like hell," I said lowering my voice, sitting again. _–It hurts like hell-_

"It can be fixed, Santana. Just- well… give her time. She loves you. You were all she talked about when I was playing straight…" he said, trying to comfort me.

"I don't have time. Every minute she spends with Wheels, I lose her a little more. Because no matter how dumb he is, he makes her feel... loved. He cares about her. He gives her everything I never did, and she cares about him…"

"She likes Artie? For real… she loves him?" he asked horrified.

"Are you crazy? No! She doesn't. But I don't know why she cares enough to give it a try! A real one. She's, like, trying to be true to the atrocity of a relationship they have, and I'm losing the freaking battle. I don't know what to do now…" I said, almost freaking out _–I was freaking out-_

"Well… Can I be blunt?" I raised an eyebrow but nodded. "Not that I know what has happened between you and Brittany, but I do understand how people in denial tend to act. Therefore, I can only imagine how Brittany must feel, even if she lives in her haze of happiness. So, to be honest, a simple confession of love isn't going to cut it. You need to do more than that. And stop feeling sorry about yourself and act. Get your girl back. Wake up!" he said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. I was too distracted with his words to care about that. _–But I'll keep it in mind to kill you later-_ "You need to show her that if she comes back to you, things are going to be different… and you need to know that yourself, because what's the point of getting her back if things are going to be the same? If you're still going to use her?"

"I'm not going to use her!" I said defensively and a little angry.

"Are you going to be in a committed relationship with her? A real one? I'm not saying you need to talk with Jacob Ben Israel and publish it all over the school, but a relationship that you acknowledge as one, to yourself and to the world if necessary," he said, not scared of my sudden anger. His words caught me off balance.

"I… I can't do that…" I said lowly to myself.

"Don't try to get the prize if you don't have a place to put it, Santana. Think about it," he said, gaving me a gentle pat on the back. My gaze was lost in the grass. "I'm going home. You should too. It's getting late…" I snapped out of my thoughts. It was getting dark. "You can talk to me any time. I promise I won't judge you and your gay troubles," he said with a smile. I couldn't smile back. His words were still on my mind. I said goodbye, almost in auto-pilot, and drove home.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! Leave a review and let me know what you think!**  
**Kisses.**


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